Couples: 3 Ways to Communicate

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In a relationship, after you get comfortable with one another, something usually happens, and we never can quite put our finger on it. Yet, we find ourselves less happy, less excited about the relationship. It is not bad. We get comfortable, and yet something happens after what some call the honeymoon period. Often, if you look closely, you start to realize that there are quirks about your partner that bother you - things you overlooked in the early stages. This is where good communication starts to become super important and relevant. Below are three things to practice when communicating with your partner. Three things that can help you treat each other well when you have tough conversations.

Skill 1: Express Your Feelings Calmly, Using Words, and taking responsibility for your own emotions

By using words, not harsh looks or expecting your partner to read your mind, you have the highest chance of your partner understanding you and your needs. The words need to come out calmly though, even when you are upset. To do this, you have to practice regulating yourself, or calming yourself down, before starting a conversation. Here are some tips to help the discussion remain calm.

1) No yelling or screaming. Deep breaths and pauses before you speak, so as to chose the exact words you mean. This also can prevent regret.

2) Use "I" statements. Now, just because your sentence starts with "I" does not mean you can say whatever you want, but with practice, "I" statements can help you share and own your emotions and ask for what you need. Here is an example: "I feel anxious and disconnected with you, because we have both been so busy with the kids activities. Can we discuss how we can have some quality time together soon?".

3) Do not blame your partner for your emotions. Own them. This is part of number 2, but I wanted to state this explicitly. Example: Instead of "You make me angry, because you never listen". Try, "I feel angry and hurt when you agree to do something but then you don't do it".

Skill 2: No Passive-Aggressive or Aggressive Acts

We all have used a variety of these when upset. It feels good some how to "get back at someone". However, this rarely does anyone any good, and it usually causes harm in the relationship. Here are some examples of things we do, that we need to avoid.

1) No degrading each other. No name calling. No throwing things. These are actions that cause harm and do nothing to help get to a solution of what is going on. It is a very immature way to act when upset. You're better than that.

2) No Stonewalling - This is when one person disengages emotionally from the conversation by avoiding eye contact, changing the subject and avoiding the topic, giving the silent treatment, and/or by just physically leaving the room or home without saying anything. Obviously this is not helpful. If a time-out is needed, that is okay. That is discussed in skill three.

3) No interrupting. Take turns talking. When it is not your turn to talk, listen, don't be calculating what you are going to say. Listen to understand. At first this can be difficult, so feel free to set a timer for 1-2 minutes. That keeps one person from talking non-stop.

Skill 3: Use Time-Outs

This is crucial. When you or your partner starts to get dysregulated (angry, crying, feel like shouting or getting louder, etc), agree to take a time out so everyone can calm down. A very important thing in using time-outs though, is to make an agreement to come back to this topic. It could be after the kids are in bed or tomorrow after a good night sleep and the kids are at the grandparents house. What ever works. It could even be a 10 minute time out and start with whoever's turn it is to talk. But, you have to come back to the topic as soon as you can.

ln conclusion, please remember that compromise is not easy, because compromise is where each person gives a little. It is not a competition to see who will win or who will get their way this time. True compromise is respecting yourself and the other person, and making an agreement you both can live with. It is never one person giving up their dream or comfort for the other; it is truly both parties giving and taking a little.

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