What's Shame Got To Do With It?

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If you read last month's post, tell us how was it. How was the 7 day complaining diet? If you did not have a chance to read last month's blog, here is the link.

There's a line if thinking that complaining, looking outside ourselves and finding things to blame for why we are anxious, sad or miserable, is a learned pattern of avoiding getting to know ourselves and our feelings and thought patterns. There is at least some truth to this, so this month we are going to explore one emotion that folks don't often like to feel, let alone talk about.

Shame

Whether you are in touch with this emotion or not, most of us carry around shame. There's a whole generation, Gen X, who's parents largely tried to shame them into obedience. "You should be ashamed of yourself", and "Shame on them" were just a couple of the comments regularly shouted when you did anything your parents did not like or want you to do. However, even if you were not shamed by your parents or teachers, there are many social structures in society that will shame you. Most religions shame you for your sins (whatever the religion says is wrong), and patriarchy shames women for looking too pretty, for being sexually assaulted, for not looking woman enough, for having too many opinions, and so on. Men also shame men for not being "man enough" or acting too gay, or frankly for any number of things. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. We all are subject to feeling ashamed, and we really don't have a large platform to express that shame. Being shamed into behaving a certain way, certainly does not allow space for you to express the shame you now carry.

What to do about it

One of the most important things to do in order to heal, feel better, do better, allow for emotional and behavioral growth, and make change, is feel your emotions. "Feel it to heal it" is real. Feeling emotions takes practice being present with, and aware of, yourself. This is huge, because it allows you to focus on what you can do to feel better. It gives you real control of your life experience. It starts by allowing the emotion to be known, felt in the body, and eventually it allows the emotion to dissipate. Over time, you realize that even hard feelings will not harm you. They are temporary when felt, and they can be allowed to move on.

Regarding shame - I challenge you this month to pause and notice how you are feeling 3-4 times a day (or more if you like). Pause, take a deep breath and notice how you feel. You may start by noticing your shoulders are tight, your heart is racing, or maybe you are tired. Those, of course, are physical feelings. Please notice them. As you practice, also see if you can notice any emotions. Example - you notice your stomach is a little upset. Try to refrain from explaining why you think your stomach is upset. Instead, take three deep breaths, and just allow it to be how it is. Remember, explaining away and blaming the environment is a practiced pattern of avoidance. Breathing into what you notice, allows space for you to be what you are at that moment without judgment. It is the judgement that causes or perpetuates shame.

Keep practicing this, and you may notice things that are underlying, or deeper, like you were anxious a bit today before your work meeting. Your upset stomach may be related to your anxiety, or it may not. They both exist. This is a part of who you are at the moment. Let it be there in your awareness. Doing this allows for internal experiences to be present in our awareness with no judgement, and it allows for things that are noticed and felt to move through us (and not get "stuck" causing pain and disruption within ourselves). Turning inward or creating more awareness of our internal experience allows for us to participate in feeling better. It gives us hope.

Reach out to theresamarschik@thecenterofloveandacceptance.org if you want more information or want to schedule a virtual therapy session.